In 4 easy steps, I’m going to show you how to create an authentic connection or relationship with someone. That someone can be clients, customers—-which can help you get $$ or friends, family, mates—- which can help you get love.
Do you have an imaginary relationship with someone?
Like you are in love with someone who has no idea that romance is on your radar? (They think you’re buddies—- not lovers!) Or…. you are hurt by a relative who keeps taking advantage of you, but they have no idea that they’re being a burden? (They think you’re rich, not in debt!) Or… you are disappointed by your kids who obviously grew up privileged, but they no idea that they’re spoiled? (They think you OWE them a Porsche & paid-up credit card bills)
If you are thinking one thing….. but the other person is thinking something totally different…. that’s not an actual relationship. That’s an imaginary relationship. That’s why you’re not getting money or love out of them! It’s kind of like having a stalker where they think that you’re supposed to be married to you and you’re like—- “No, that’s all in your head.”
Your relationship isn’t real. You don’t have a real relationship with your secret crush. You don’t have a real relationship with your dead-beat relatives. You don’t have a real relationship with your spoiled children. It’s fake. You have a fake relationship with them. It’s not real…. until you add something, called boundaries.
If you don’t have boundaries—- you unconditionally love (crush: you don’t have to commit), you unconditionally give (relatives: you don’t have to pay room & board), you unconditionally pay (children: you don’t have to earn your rewards)… that’s not a relationship.
No boundaries = no relationship.
Unconditional is like like the sky. I don’t have a relationship to the sky. It’s just there. That’s like you. You’re just there. Whenever people need something—- you’re a church, a hotel, an ATM machine… but you’re not a person. And no one is having a relationship with you… as a person.
Do you want to have a real relationship? An actual authentic connection to people? Okay, then you have to have some boundaries.
- A boundary is the same thing as a relationship.
- Healthy boundaries create healthy relationships.
So here’s you. Here’s someone else. Just because… you’re here and he or she is there…. doesn’t mean you have a relationship. A husband and a wife can live in the same house and not have a relationship. So just being near someone doesn’t mean you have a relationship. I go to the grocery store all the time—- there’s tons of people, standing right next to me and I don’t have a relationship with any of them. Just because you’re sleeping next to someone, just because you gave birth to someone, doesn’t mean you have a relationship with them.
The relationship doesn’t exist until you have a boundary. And the more boundaries you have… the more solid and the more strong… your relationship is. It’s like building a bridge to connect with that other person… and each boundary you set down is another piece of wood strengthening and supporting that bridge.
So just because two people are together, doesn’t mean they have a relationship. You have to have the stuff in the middle. That’s a relationship! And the stuff in the middle are boundaries.
The first step is… I want you to take a piece of paper. Write down the name of a a person who want to have a real relationship with (or someone you want money or love from).
Who do you want to have a real relationship or connection with?
Step 1: Write down their name.
Then, state what you need. Now, a boundary is not ASKING for something that you need. It’s just stating what you need.
Step 2: State your need.
- I need… to feel loved.
- I need… to feel respected.
- I need… to feel appreciated.
It’s not asking for something you need. It’s stating something you need. Don’t ask, “Can you love me? Will you respect me? Can you appreciate me?”
Then you state a behavior or action that correlates with that need.
Step 3: State your commitment
- You tell me you love me, too.
- You pay rent.
- You earn or work for it.
Step 4: Put it together
Your boundary is:
- I need to feel loved by you telling me you love me, too.
- I need to feel respected by you paying rent.
- I need to feel appreciated by you earning your rewards.
Once you have a boundary, that person can fulfill your need and deepen the relationship or… they can back off.
What you’re doing is you’re creating a bridge… where there wasn’t a bridge before. There was a fake imaginary bridge, but there wasn’t a real bridge. And that bridge, should that person walk across it… creates an authentic connection and relationship with you. Once you have a relationship, now you can go ahead and co-create money and love.
So just to recap… what’s a real relationship? It’s a series of boundaries.
Each boundary is a promise + commitment.
I promise to (make you feel this way) and I commit to (act or behave in this way).
And every time you set a boundary, your relationship grows. When you have growing relationships, you have… money that is growing and you have love that is growing.
