Have someone ever freaked out on you? Like everything was going just fine and then all of a sudden, they just stop calling you. Or, they attack you for no reason. Or they’re looking at you like you did something wrong, like you murdered their cat or something? It could someone you’re dating who just drops off the face of the earth. It could be your boss who back stabs you. It could be your ex-spouse. What’s going on? Congratulations! You just learned what that person’s boundary is.
What is a boundary?
- This is my limit.
- You went too far.
- If you go past this line, you will see or know something about me that I need to hide.
You’re probably like, “I did? What did I do?” I always pick up my kids on tues and thurs— and now all of a sudden, I can’t pick them up?
Boundaries are invisible. If I had a big huge lock and safe right in the middle of my living room, you’d know I’m trying to hide something. I need my boundary to not be spokne or seen— So that you don’t know I’m hiding something. Maybe your ex got a new boyfriend and she needs to hide him— so no, you can’t pick up your kids on Tuesdays and Thursdays anymore.
Why do people have boundaries?
- To hide what they do not want to reveal.
- Most people do not hide their dreams and aspirations.
- They hide what they are ashamed of.
What happens when you hit someone’s boundary?
- They panic and act irrationally
- They attack you
- They hide
So if you hit someone’s boundary, you just got close to one of their deep dark secrets. They’re not ready to show you their dark side, just yet. You have to earn the right to be intimate with someone, to see what they have hiding in the closet. So if you didn’t earn their trust and you wanna go looking in their closet— boom! Up goes their boundary, right?
So what should you do when someone puts up a boundary?
- Don’t ask them questions.
- Don’t discuss why they’re freaking out because they don’t know.
- They’re not in the wrong for having a boundary.
- They’re telling you that Tuesdays and Thursdays were placid lake water and now that I have a secret boyfirend, Tuesdays and Thursdays are shark-infested waters.
- It’s not their fault you are wandering into shark infested waters— they’re like NO no no…. and you’re like, “What? What?”
This is not about them!!! This is about YOU. They’re not in the wrong because they have a boundary. You are being warned not to enter shark-infested waters. Why do you want to go into shark infested waters? “Well, because it’s my daughter— we’ve always been close. I have a right to know what she’s doing with her life, after all, she’s raising my grandson!”
You need to ask yourself, “What do I need from you?” …. by violating someone’s boundary?” What do you need—- by going into their shark-infested waters?
- I need to spend time with my kids.
- I need to know that you trust me, with our children.
- I need to know that you believe in me.
Okay…if you need to violate someone’s boundaries in order to get your needs met— that is not a true need. You don’t need to truly need to know that your ex trusts you with your children. Let’s call that a false need. Let’s also make this statement— because this… is how you are going to fix the damage you caused your relationship by violating their invisible boundary. That’s a false need. I want you to label that on your paper. Because of my false need, “Wanting you to trust me with our children,” I violated your boundary.
Then… even if they are dead wrong for having a secret boyfriend on the day you pick up your kids—- they are suddenly going to calm down… Not because you acknowledge the need to be trusted, but because you acknowledged their boundary. And now they feel safe again. They feel like, “Oh… okay, You know not to go in the shark-infested water again, hah?” Good. Now we’re both safe.
Okay, but you’re still like— how am I gonna pick up my kids? So now you have to ask yourself “What is my true need?” What do you really need…. by being able to rely on seeing your kids every Tuesdays and Thursdays consistently without any interruption from their mother? It’s not being trusted, it’s being loved. You say to her, “Hey, I need to see my kids twice a week. So you pick the day— the day isn’t important (shark!!), the kids are.” That way you get your needs met and she gets to keep hiding her secret boyfriend. Make sense?
